I woke up this morning with a thought that I couldn't get out of my head...one week ago today... Have you ever had a week where so much has happened that it seems like it must have been a year or at least a month long? Last Friday we had a second ultrasound done and learned for certain that I was in the beginning stages of a miscarriage. The week prior we went in for a normal early ultrasound to confirm the due date and were told the baby was much smaller than it should be and they couldn't see a heartbeat. They gave us hope that maybe I was just a lot earlier along than I thought and would repeat the ultrasound the following Friday. They also prepared us that it may be a miscarriage and gave all kinds of standard information about "how common they are" and how "you didn't do anything to cause it."
The next week was filled with a lot of tears and prayers. Initially I had no signs that I was miscarrying so it was easy to "hope big." We prayed for the baby to grow and for it all to be one big medical mistake. God would show His glory by letting this baby grow and be born next fall...a beautiful testimony of what my great God can do.
He chose to show His glory in another way. He is still a great God.
Our baby probably went to be with Jesus quite early in the pregnancy and yet my body continued to prepare a home for him or her. "Everything else" was 11 weeks along when the miscarriage completed and I was devastated.
What to say now.....I have had some very hard days that began in that doctor's office two weeks ago, continued in the ER the night the miscarriage "completed" because of too much blood loss and have continued in these days following of trying to regain strength and figure out what it means to walk with Jesus through such sadness and loss.
The Lord has been gracious and merciful to me in so many ways and I struggle to know what to say here and where to even begin. I have prayed, above all things, that I would just know how to get up and walk through this time in my life and that I would still honor Jesus and he would get glory because nothing about Him has changed because of this.
We have complete peace in knowing that some day we will get to meet this little baby in heaven and enjoy all that we are missing now. That's only because God has promised us abundant life with Him because of what Jesus did on the cross...it begins now and will be fulfilled when we see Him face to face when our life is done here on earth. I know that FOR SURE and so in addition to knowing that all of this is not wasted we are at peace with what God is doing.
I tell you this because I can't imagine going through this valley without the complete love of Christ. I miss being pregnant....I miss sitting and imagining what this baby will be like. I miss all the little things I did in preparation to meet this little one...packing away clothes that were soon not to fit, getting excited to see our family expand... I miss not being able to pray for this baby to grow... I'm seeing a lot of comfort as I read that God is my shield...his favor over me is a shield. I don't understand why this has happened but I am grateful that the Lord has entrusted such a thing to me and rest in knowing that He has promised to never leave me. He is enough...He has always been enough.
Would you pray with us? Pray for my heart when it's sad and grieving the loss of someone I never got to meet. How can you love someone so much that you've never seen? Pray for my husband who has been desperately trying to keep things together while I have had several days of laying on the couch, frequent tearful moments and kids that still require training and discipline. Pray for our kids that they would grow closer to Jesus during this time...Sam had a hard moment of realization that the baby had died and has since been fine with it and able to talk about it without crying. Maggie has been struggling with honesty and kindness in the past couple of weeks. We see good things happening in them too but they are still fighting against their own sin nature and that's a battle that will continue their whole lives. They've gone from praying for the baby to grow to now praying that the baby would obey Jesus. I haven't corrected them...I'm fairly certain that the baby will not have to struggle with obedience in the presence of Jesus but what do I know, I still want to pray for the baby too...
Oh friends...this is a weird post for me. I want to give you an update on what's happening in our lives but I cannot do that with these recent events without giving you a glimpse into my heart. What a public place to do that! God is such a huge part of all this...He is everything to me and I am nothing without Him. Not able to stand without His mercy and grace. Praise Him with me for His faithfulness lately...for the months I had to enjoy the pregnancy, for the kind people at my OB office, for my husband who loves me so well during such a hard time and who helped me when I could barely stand, for the trip to the ER working out so timely when all the kids were asleep (when all of our female helpers/diaper changers/baby handlers were away for the weekend), for children who are so tender to me and such a delight, for friends and family whose love brings such encouragement...I feel like I'm giving a speech now...and I'd like to thank.... :) Seriously praise God because He is good and has been so gracious to show us Himself lately.
My 35th birthday was a few days into this journey and that was the first day that I genuinely smiled and laughed...it was brought on by my kids and I could so clearly see that it was from God. He gave me joy that day. I am seeing that I am truly a workmanship created in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:10) and this is a time when He is working hard on me! May we all come through difficulties knowing Jesus more intimately and being more faithful to what He has called us to do.
A few pictures of the joy...
Love you all